Superscript

Superscript

I read a lot of science and technology stuff: books,
magazines, websites, and blogs. I realized today that part of my
fascination with these topics is that A-ha Moment. Having lots of
little pieces suddenly click together so I can actually feel the
light bulb flicker on above my head tickles me to no end. Today I
had an epiphany of a different kind, and I can’t believe it took
this long. My life has seen huge changes in the last year. New
marriage, new family, new baby. Troubling pregnancy, family
illness, tough work decisions. So much change makes me
introspective, and I began to wonder why I all of a sudden feel
like I’m on the verge of finally figuring out what I’m supposed to
do with my life. I am wife, and mom, and I wear all of the many and
varied hats that being those two people can entail. But what about
Just Me? I have a brain in my head… how am I supposed to use it?
I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I’ve written a lot for a lot of
years, but never much of anything for public consumption. I have
been published, but that happened right before Le Grande Divorce,
and once that mudslide began I felt that all I could do was put my
head down and get my kids through it as unscathed as possible. I
didn’t write again for quite some time. Why don’t I pursue writing?
Why all of the self-doubt? Why don’t I just DO IT already?
Then that little voice (you know the one) reminded me of something
I read right before Liam was born in April:

“Most
of the supposedly challenging stuff in life usually isn’t as
difficult to pull off as some folks would have you think. Believing
in yourself… is easy; only pull-ups are hard.” –Kevin Smith,
Tough Shit

ONLY PULL-UPS ARE HARD, PEOPLE!!
Finding my path ISN’T HARD!! I love to write, and I have ideas all
of the time, but I rarely see them through and then they get
forgotten in the midst of driving the Mom Taxi and helping with
homework and cooking…you know. Writing isn’t hard! Writing may be
challenging, finding time to write with seven kids may be
difficult, but none of it is impossible. You know why? Because ONLY
PULL-UPS ARE HARD!! I can not stress enough how earth-shaking that
sentence was to me; it led me down the rabbit hole. Why do I treat
something I want to do, something I enjoy doing, something many,
many people have encouraged me to do and even said I have a talent
for (I question their taste and/or sanity, but that’s not the point
right now) as something impossible? I could go on and on about why
I shouldn’t write, and, to be honest, every reason would be
bullshit, plain and simple. I don’t mean to be crass, but that is
absolutely the best term for it. Why not just TRY to pursue this?
That’s when that lone superscript light bulb turned into a stadium
full of halogens and I was staring directly into them, their
honesty baring the truth and searing my retinas. I’m afraid. I’m
afraid to fail. I’m afraid of the ridicule I think I’ll get. I’m
afraid I won’t be good enough. I’m afraid I won’t do anything that
anyone deems worthy of income. I know this isn’t a foreign concept.
I’ve read books and articles and heard a multitude of people say
that their stumbling block was the same. I guess it just took me 37
years to know myself well enough to know that this is my
problem. I never claimed I was quick. So I’ve come to a decision.
I’m done being afraid. None of this is hard. I’m going to throw
everything I have into this– what’s the worst thing that could
happen? If I never make anything of any of it, I’ll have loads of
writing to remember things by. One caveat: I have permission to be
afraid if someone requests pull-ups.

%d bloggers like this: